How to Get Your Ex Back:
Before you learn how to make your ex want you back, there are some things you need to know.
Going through a break up is a very difficult experience even when the breakup is for the best. There is always a period of grieving as you mourn the loss of someone you loved. If you are set on getting back together, there are steps you can take to give you a much better chance at repairing your relationship with your ex. After a breakup can be an extremely delicate time; your emotions are all over the place and it can be hard to make the best decision for yourself.
Immediately following a breakup, you are likely to be very determined to figure out how to get your ex back. The truth is that you and your partner broke up for a reason, so getting him or her back may not be easy or even possible. If there is a possibility of rekindling the relationship and creating a stronger, healthier, and lasting bond, there are steps you can take to open the door to that possibility.
Immediately following the end of a relationship, you need time to regroup, to grieve and heal from the pain of the relationship and the breakup. You need time and space away from your ex and the relationship as a whole. In addition to giving you time to heal and strengthen, this will also give you clearer perspective.
It is very important the directly after a relationship ends, you avoid any form of contact with your ex no matter how badly you want to reach out. Make sure to follow these “no contact” rules:
The no contact rules:
- Do not call, text or email.
- Do not contact them or follow them on Social Media.
- Do not “bump into them” randomly by going to places that they hang out.
- Do not get together for break up sex.
- DO NOT try to contact them when you are drunk.
Because you are hurting right now, you are likely to make some poor decisions and will come off as needy, desperate and annoying and, if there is any chance of getting your ex back, you will likely kill your chances if you do this. If your ex contacts you, tell them that you need some time and space and will reach out to them when you feel ready.
Give yourself at least a month with zero contact – maybe longer. If you feel the need to talk to your ex during this time, write letters in a journal rather than contacting them. Trust me on this. I know this seems counterintuitive when it comes to how to make your ex want you back, but the period right after the breakup is very important as far as which way things will go over the next few months.
How to recover from the initial breakup:
You need to be aware that you are grieving right now. One of the most common reasons that people long to rush back into a relationship is because they are feeling the pain and grief of the loss and they want the pain to stop. In the desperate desire to avoid the pain, you envision that your ex is the source of your happiness and that you can never be happy without them. You may create a fantasy around how amazing your ex is and how wonderful your relationship was and fail to see the reality of them, you, or the relationship. You believe that if they would only take you back, the pain will stop.
Even if you cannot see this in yourself, I guarantee that you have seen your friends do this so you know exactly what I am talking about. You cannot see clearly when you are deeply grieving, so now is not the time to run off and pursue your ex. It won’t work. Now is a time to take care of yourself.
Before you embark on trying to get him or her back, you need to allow yourself to grieve. There will be many emotions that come up during this process: anger, shame, hurt, sorrow, relief, resentment, jealousy, loneliness, self-doubt… Instead of resisting your emotions and trying to avoid them, be with them and let yourself feel them. Feel the grief of love lost. Find a counselor to support you. Talk to supportive friends and family. I’m not talking about wallowing in self-pity, but rather honoring the grief you are experiencing and taking good care of yourself, and allowing yourself to heal.
Focus on YOU:
Your most important relationship is with yourself. Whether you get back with your ex, remain single for a period, or enter into a new relationship, you want to enter into your next relationship as a strong, whole person rather than someone who is needy and looking for someone to “complete” them. Neediness is not attractive, and you cannot create a healthy relationship if you are not healthy and whole. As important as it is to grieve, it is equally important to actively do things that help you feel good about you and your life. Learn to love yourself better.
Focus on activities that strengthen you and help you feel good about yourself.
- Spend time with supportive friends.
- Go to the gym.
- Get out in nature and take a walk.
- Get a massage.
- Take a yoga class.
- Meet new people.
- Join a Meet Up group to enjoy hobbies or explore new interests.
- Do something to help you feel good about your appearance – maybe try a new haircut or get some new clothes.
- Eat nourishing foods.
In doing this you will naturally become more attractive, but remember that you are doing all of these things FOR YOU, not as a means of coercing your ex to come back. Getting back in shape is a great way to boost your mood and get over your ex. If you want to know how to get a summer body fast, a recent breakup is usually a great motivator.
Do You REALLY Want Your Ex Back?
You may find yourself asking “Should I get back with my ex?” After you have taken time for yourself, grieved the loss of the relationship, gotten stronger and cleared your head, you are much better able to look at the relationship objectively. So before you embark on a mission to rekindle the relationship, you need to take a very close and objective look at the relationship.
Every relationship has its ups and down, some more down than up. When you are deep in the grief stage, you are likely to only see the good parts and forget those aspects of the relationship that made you miserable. Now, look at the whole picture and ask yourself if this is truly someone you want to be with, or is it time for both of you to move on? This is very important to determine before you think of ways how to make your ex want you back. You don’t want to try to get back with someone that is not good for you.
Consider what was good in the relationship and what was not. Look at how you were treated, how well you communicated with each other, how compatible you were, and how much you enjoyed each other’s company. Also look at the whole of the relationship – not just the early “honeymoon” period. How were you together once the newness wore off? Why did you break up? Are there reasons why your ex may not want you back? Are there reasons why you don’t want them back? What are the reasons why you think you want to be with them again?
You may want to speak to some trusted friends who will offer you honest and objective insights into the health of your relationship. Be open to listening to them.
There are three types of relationships that we have in our lives:
- Those that nourish and strengthen you
- Those that are neutral
- Those that harm you
As you look at your relationship, ask yourself which category your relationship fell into. There is a chance that you were in a toxic relationship and the breakup was for the best. If it is anything other than nourishing and strengthening, it is time to let it go. If you take an objective look and see that the relationship is worth pursuing again, then it may be time to learn how to make you ex want you back.
How to make your ex want you back
Before you go further, keep in mind that just because you have an interest in getting back together with your ex, he or she may not be interested. They may have moved on. Things may have happened that broke their trust in you (i.e. cheating, abuse, etc.). You have taken time and done the self-care work and strengthened yourself, so enter into this without attachment. Building this foundation first is the best way to try to win him or her back. You may need to learn how to get someone to fall in love with you all over again.
Getting back together with your ex may be the opening to a whole new and wonderful relationship between you two, or NOT doing so may be an opportunity for you to open the door into an ever better relationship with someone else. Either way, if you go in with expectations or an agenda you are more likely to seem needy and send them running. With that being said…
Now that you have done the inner work, you are ready to reach out to your ex and try to win them back. At this point, it is not about getting them back, but rather about catching up and reconnecting. Touch base with them and talk to them. Share something new in your life, ask about how they are doing. Connect as you would an old friend.
If the conversation goes badly, you may want to reconsider. This may not be the right time, or they simply may no longer be for you. If the conversation goes well, see if they would like to get together for coffee or lunch (NOT A DATE – and avoid drinks – it’s much more likely to get messy when alcohol is involved). Suggest doing something fun together that you both enjoyed in the past.
If they are open to reconnecting, wonderful. Meet up with them, spend time with them and see if you are able to be together as friends. If it goes well, plan another time to get together and do something fun. Take time to get to know each other again and see if there is anything to be rekindled or not. Don’t rush and don’t bring expectations into the time you do spend together.
If you do go out together, avoid getting into talking about how much you miss them and want them back or other conversations that will trigger the pain and drama of the former relationship. Your time together now is about seeing if there is any interest in starting anything new. You may be sitting in front of him or her now, looking at them with fresh eyes and realizing that you really don’t have any interest in being with them anymore. Or, as you spend time together, you both may realize that you still have a strong bond and are willing to put forth the effort to try again.
Recognize that, if things do go well and you both have a mutual interest in starting over, you may need some support, relationship coaching or counseling to resolve old issues in the relationship so that you can move forward with a clean slate.
Health Coach Drew
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